Dear Dudes… What Good Women want to say to Good Men

The texts between my girlfriends and I about relationships and dudes (boyfriends, lovers, husband types, fantastical obsessions…) are so juicy I’m thinking about making them into a book. You know I’m serious. Those text trails could make shy men blush and illuminate nations.

Good Women are fiercely protective of each other, so when there’s a problem or massive potential for pleasure, we’d love to get in there and make it all right – divine meddling. We imagine going straight to the Good Man who’s in our friend’s life and letting them in on a few things — things that would help him win her heart, things that would help him get his shit together. Things that would… make shy men blush and illuminate nations.

What follows is a censored version of what my circle of Good Women know to be true. It’s very hetero, but potentially universal. It specifically applies to those men who, without reservation, we’d call Good Men — the ones who are really, clearly, resoundingly worth what Good Women have to give.

Dear Dudes,

1. If you’re still hung up on your ex, get over your ex. Do not proceed to a new chick until you are over your ex. Because that would be lame. And messy.

2. Most women will wonder if they’re going to sleep with you or marry you within 24 hours of meeting you. (More like 24 minutes.) Don’t let it scare you. As Mumford & Sons put, we will “love with urgency, but not with haste.”

3. If you want to know what gifts to get her, just ask her girlfriend. Because not only do we know just what she wants, we know where to get it. Your priority is to please her, not to look clever. It’s really simple: just get her what she wants… she’ll be more impressed that you made it happen.

4. A Good Woman is your biggest fan. Really, really, REALLY. Even when she’s telling you that you let her down, or that she can’t believe that you forgot whatever, she is so rooting for you to be your strongest, sexiest, coolest you. Your rising is what she craves.

Dude, a Good Woman will go the distance for you to be your full self.

So, when she hints or hollers about how you might, say, improve on something, consider that she sees your wholeness and is calling it forward.

5. Know what you want. Indecisiveness can be a total turn off. Brood, pace, toil if you need to. But just make up your fucking mind. She won’t necessarily agree. But she’s going to relax a bit — and you want her to relax. If she has to try to make your mind up for you, she will feel depleted and agitated. A sense of direction = comfort.

6. Mixed signals are like, so high school. Don’t tell her you that you “can see a future together” but that you’re too busy to talk more than once a week.

7. She better be a bigger priority than your mother. Because that’s how it works when you’re a grown up.

8. She wants you to take control more often. You will have to learn what this means, together. It’s like dancing: You lead her by feeling her. If you don’t feel her, you can’t lead.

and 8 1/2….

In order to feel her, you will have to be present. Being present for her will uplift every single area of your life, for the rest of your life.

9. You know that time you got her a Vitamix? Okay, she wanted that, for sure, big points. But you need to get her something sexy in addition to the practical stuff. Ask her girlfriend.

10. A vibrator in a box is just a vibrator in a box. If you’re going to buy her sex toys you don’t get the points until you get them out and actually use them — together. If she’s not into them, it doesn’t mean she’s a prude. It might just mean that she wants more of you and your intimacy.

11. If she says that she feels that you watching porn without her feels like you’re cheating on her — believe her, and cut that shit out. If she says that she wants porn on the menu — believe her, and get it on the menu.

12. She is very aware that blow jobs are your answer to most relationship questions. If you’re more present with her, you’ll probably get a lot more answers.

13. If at noon you ask her where she’d like to go for dinner that night and she changes her mind at 5 o’clock, she wasn’t lying, she just changed her mind. (This applies to most changes she makes — she’s not lying, she’s… changeable. And this fluidity is a big gift to your life, BTW. Go with it.)

14. If you think she’s testing you — she probably is. It’s a survival instinct.

15. To varying degrees, she cares what her friends think about you. She should.

16. Come up from behind and hold and kiss her. Do it a lot.

17. Looking for an engagement ring is some serious business. You need to do it together, and even then you probably need to bring in reinforcements (Call the girlfriends).

18. She’ll wait for you. (But don’t “make” her wait. That kind of testing is corrosive.)

19. She knows that you’ve got what it takes. She believes in your pure incredible truthly kingly awesomeness.

20. She sees things you haven’t even considered yet. Incredible things.

21. Make reservations. Seriously. It doesn’t have to be fancy, just planned.

Dude, I’m rooting for you.


Tell the dudes:

Dear Dudes, listen to @DanielleLaPorte: What Good Women want to say to Good Men.



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