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dude, want to know what will please your woman?

Dudes, (or masculine-energy-identified dudettes in pursuit of your own lezzie-ladies,) don’t you wish you had a decoder ring for your woman? An unfailing oracle to help you decipher and make the best possible choices for pleasing your amour? You have it within your reach. You can employ this technique at anytime. Your stealth and secret weapon against the confusion of romance is…your girl’s girlfriend.

Just call your woman’s girlfriend and ask what to do.

I’m struck by how rarely this all too simple tactic is employed. The map to victory is just a text message away. Want to know what would really make your woman happy; what she’d really like for love tokens, what would make you look like a Don Juan of Attentive Love and The Perfect Dispenser of Lusty Lust in your sweetheart’s eyes? Dude, just call her girlfriend and ask. She knows everything you wish you could, if but for the lack of ovaries and energetic propensity.

I guarantee you that your girl’s girls know precisely how you could rock her world. She can tell you if a Vitamix is an aphrodisiac or a deal breaker, if the Rabbit Habit girl toy is going to ignite terror or passion, if she’s always wanted a cowboy to take her away, or she just wants you to fix her damn headlight like you said you would.

If you’re wondering if this holy girlfriend knowledge also applies to what your woman personally wants in the bedroom, why yes, yes it probably does. Girlfriend power is pervasive. It takes a brave man to inquire about such matters, but a faint-hearted knight never won the hand of a fair maiden (I stole that from Russell Brand’s live act, who stole that from a theater teacher, no doubt.)

Just dial the pal. Your woman won’t see it as a weakness, chances are she may already think you’re a bit romantically handicapped. Call her bestie, get the inside scoop and your honey will think you’re hotter than John Hamm, Jack Sparrow, and Alicia Keys all rolled into one. (See below for extended list of hotties.)

A sociological side note to really drive this one home:

Girlfriends know precisely what their girlfriends want from their significant others for two indisputably historically specifies-specific reasons

: we talk to each other–a lot, and we talk about everything–from paraben-free beauty products, to what it means to be properly ravaged, in such great detail that unsuspecting males would blush if they were fortunate enough to overhear what goes down in the average coven call;

: and secondly, Feminines are not only wired to intuit the need’s of those around us, we get a thrill from preempting people’s need. “That coconut water you’ve been wanting to try, yep, I had a case imported from Thailand for you, it’s in the fridge.” “Got you the MP3 of the new Mumford & Sons” “Hey sister, just thinking about you. Call me!”

Now THAT’s romantic.

Make the call. She–we–you will be very glad you did.

Extended list of hotties, as deemed sizzling by…
@savvybees Matt Damon, cause he’s smart, too.

@ealvarezgibson Jason Stratham, Matt Berninger, Nick Cave (obvs.), Gabriel Byrne, Tim Roth, Hugh Jackman, Michael Fassbender

@redneckmommy the ones who are good daddies. Nothing sexier. Also, maybe Colin Farrell. Rawr.

@omshantikate Johnny Depp. Also, Johnny Depp.

@story_house jason schwartzman, johnny depp, adrian brody, howard stern, adam scott

@1MoxieMomma As a straight chick, Katy Perry is HOT.

@StacyWeitzner Jason Momoa. Emphasis on the “Mmmmm”.

@kjkonkin started a Pinterest board dedicated to this very question.

@oddharmonic Henry Rollins. I loved the story in his Shock & Awe tour about not dating women who don’t read books.

@ekovisions Rachel Maddow above all. Drew Barrymore. Kate Moenning. Ellen. Emma Watson with the new doo.

and this list goes on and on