self hatred: beneath sugar-coated criticism + self improvement

Self hatred.

Could there be a heavier, shame-soaked, cringe-inducing concept?
Hating yourself.
Hatred.
Hate of self.
You hating…you.

Park that thought for a minute.

You’re self-referencing. You’re successful (and you’re bright enough to know that that’s a relative term.) You’re a generally wide-awake, highly confident, compassionate, secure citizen of the collective. You know who you are. You’re committed to knowing more. You practice mindful speech, you send light to the people who piss you off, you get regular massage treatments, you own a few sex toys, you do workshops. Clearly, you treat yourself well. You know you’re worth it.

Self hatred? You?

Me?

I HATE MYSELF. THERE, I SAID IT.

I used to think my list of self-criticisms, we’re just criticisms. Innocuous opinions I held about myself that were mild, understandable, reasonable even – part of being aware of my “shadow”. Growth points. That on-going, fucking incessant chatter (as chill and dignified as it is,) goes something like this:

I SORT OF SUCK BECAUSE I SHOULD … (and I bet you can insert your own list here…) lose ten more pounds, work less, be kinder to my man, more attentive to my boy, less concerned about “arriving”, more responsive to my readers, less fixated on Twitter, more informed about world politics, less spendy, more willing to adopt a child, less judgmental of all of the shitty customer service and mediocrity in the world, more motivated to get my ass on my bike, less obsessive about strategic planning, more inclined to socialize, less irritated by small talk, more inclined to do less, and blah-blah-fucking-self-critical-unrelenting-BLAAAAH.

Add to that list: dust bunnies, a few missed birthdays, a grandmother that deserves a phone call, an overflowing Facebook inbox that I ignore, a nightstand piled high with books in progress (although I keep buying more books,) and some memories of thoughtless things I said to good people who may have been hurt by my ego … and, well, it’s not adding up to a lot of self-compassion or oozing Goddess worth, is it? It’s not sounding so light, so harmless, or so innocuous, is it?

Park that thought for a minute.

I ADORE MYSELF. TRULY. NO QUESTION ABOUT IT.

I could list 10,000 reasons, here and now, why I’m The High Priestess of Loveliness. My heart is galactic. My mind is laser-razor. I’ve made some good choices this time around. AND YET …

Those little paper cuts that I inflict on my spirit are not random or rootless. They are effective. They have a source. Yes, self-criticism may be well-intentioned. It may be fed by old hurts, family of origin, past lives, modern culture, mortal coil. But it’s seeded from the murky marsh of loathing. And to greater and lesser degrees, it’s part of everyone’s psychic biosphere. The trick to drying it up is to shine some light on it.

Self-criticism is not “love”, and it is certainly not indifferent. It’s a form of hatred. And when I name that, when I see it for what it is (raw and uncomfortable and saddening…) when I refuse to sugar-coat self criticism, judgment, agitation, and constantly trying to improve myself, then I’m one quantum leap closer to freedom. Out of the swamp. Grounded in love.

. . . . . . .

The most lucid material I’ve come across on self judgment, ego and presence is The Unfolding Now, by AH Almaas.

. . . . . . .

related posts
Susan Piver Love

The 4 Noble Truths Of LOVE: A live conversation with Danielle LaPorte + Susan Piver

It’s medicine when love is driving you crazy, or you’re crazy in love.

Hopefully Devoted

[LIGHT WORK] Examining our devotion: If we don’t feel free… what’s the point?

I know that countless mystics throughout time agree that the reason for our spiritual endeavoring—our devotion—is liberation, and only liberation. The “work” in our light work creates a freedom from afflictive states: anxiety, selfishness, shallowness, insecurity, always comparing ourselves to other people, restlessness, fear… If the whole point of our devotion is liberation, then here’s the question…

Hopefully Devoted

[LIGHT WORK] Hopefully Devoted

This is the last episode of this podcast series. It’s devoted to one of my favourite topics: Devotion. We’re shining light on our prayers, our beliefs, our teachers… and whether they’re actually getting us closer to what we really want—liberation. We’re talking about the real work of light work.

Sacred Activism

[LIGHT WORK] On Sacred Activism

I’m interested in how we work as individuals and how we come together as a society—to create justice. To be in right action. To balance the scales. To transmute darkness into light. How do we hold people accountable? How do we speak out with fire and clarity about our ideals? How do we call people on their destructive shit without creating harm or incurring karma?

How to be a revolutionary for just love4

[LIGHT WORK] How to be a revolutionary for just love

This episode is about our personal activism. I’m talking about how we can get justice, without incurring too much karma. I’m talking about how to be a revolutionary for just love.

Sweet like honey, and sledgehammer hard lessons from my year Danielle LaPorte

Sweet like honey, and sledgehammer-hard: lessons from my year.

After one more trip around the sun, here are a few of my learnings (some of which came down like honey, others, like a sledgehammer. #reallife ):

Everyone on #TeamD takes these personality tests

Everyone on #TeamD takes these personality tests

One of our best investments of time is in understanding each other: what our strengths and talents are, how we show love + appreciation, and how we respond to stress. We’re working to be even more thoughtful and diligent around these practices in our culture, but we’ve got some great tools in hand.

Special Birthday Event. It’s Pay What You Wish time!

It’s Pay What You Wish time!

Pay what you wish for The Creation Space Meditation Kit and we’ll do a meditation class together on Friday, May 25 at 7am PT. (If you miss us, the replay will be available right after the call concludes, at the same link.) The Kit + live class normally retails at $50 USD, but for my birthday week only, you can pay any amount your heart desires. Really.

Beliefs, Movies & Man Crushes1

[LIGHT WORK] An intimate Q&A episode. It’s deep, it’s lite, I hope it’s alllll right.

If God is in the details, then the Soul is in a good Q&A. And that’s the substance of Podcast #4: Beliefs, Movies & Man Crushes. Your questions make it so easy for me to rant and offer some (hopefully) useful how-to’s and tricks of the trade. The “trade” being discernment and devotion. It’s deep, it’s lite, I hope it’s alllll right.

Beliefs, Movies & Man Crushes-Danielle-LaPorte

[LIGHT WORK] Beliefs, Movies & Man Crushes

In a nutshell: I’m hot for hot man feminists who work (in their own way) to make the world a better place. Service is a huge turn on for me.

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This