Why I stopped meditating: acts of rebellion + intention

“Meditator” isn’t a label I’d give myself, though I’ve meditated for years — in temples, on the bus, on cushions, in the tub, with and without formalities and teachers.

(People who put things like, “And Joe has been a meditator for twenty years…” in their bios make me wonder. Unless of course, you’re a mediation teacher. But otherwise it doesn’t impress me as a pick up line, mostly because I’ve known some long-time meditators who were very cranky, or paranoid, or rude to waiters.)

Meditating doesn’t guarantee that you’ll be more compassionate or loving, it just means you can call yourself a meditator.

I’m Meditator Lite. Meditator Light. Reluctant, Flailing, Empassioned…person who meditates.

But I then stopped formally meditating. Intentionally. Not like when you don’t go to the gym one week and then a month goes by, not that kind of slow halt. I actually declared that I would not sit in lotus or pick up mala beads, or watch my breath for, well, maybe forever. The very thing I was doing to feel liberated felt confining.

My practice — which was not that grueling to begin with — started to feel like one more thing to do. Meditation became an assignment and I felt I was being graded by an invisible monk. Polishing my consciousness, counting my mantras, strength-building — achieving.

Meditating was becoming a way to reinforce my “goodness” — good at taking care of myself, good at seeking, good at being holistic, good at being good. And meditation was becoming a crutch for being “on”. Meditate before the gig, the interview, the meeting to make sure I was ON TOP OF IT. I felt pressured to meditate to relieve the pressure. From this frustration, a question surfaced: How present would I be if I didn’t focus on being “prepared”? I dared myself.

Some very beautiful things happened when I stopped meditating.

I learned to work without a net.

I learned that I am still loving and insightful even if I don’t pause for cosmic clearance. A deeper kind of strength came forth — calm, and ancient, and sturdy.

From my new vantage point, I could see with great clarity the essential reasons that I had meditated — and I gave myself permission to love those soul inclinations:

I meditate for comfort.

This is an admission of sorts that gives me great relief. I don’t necessarily sit to empty my mind, or to “grow”. I meditate because I deeply crave the comfort of connection with, if even just a taste of, The Mother of The Mother of All Things Ever. I crave The Spaciousness That Cradles, The Light That Burns Boundaries. I want to be home. This feels so good. I want to feel that good as much as possible. Yep, I meditate for comfort.

I meditate for disruption.

Sometimes I go digging in the back alley of my psyche just to stir shit up. I look for lurking fears and I turn up the volume on the critical tapes. I tend to do this when my psyche is like still water, just when things were going so well. I love this act of conscious antagonism. It shows me my power to heal, how far I’ve come, what monsters are still misbehaving at my table and who at that table needs more compassion.

When my meditation is an act of loving others, I get higher, faster.

The times when I devote a meditative session to someone/something else — whether it’s a string of mantras, or sending someone light while I’m sitting on a park bench — I get a rush of divine currency that is the yum of being alive. I like it. A lot. The surest way to experience oneness is to be the giver.

Intention is everything.

Meditation is an act of compassion for myself and others — when I come from a place of compassion. When I meditate to achieve, it’s a striving; when it’s to prove something, it turns into enduring. And when you’re in a place of compassion – you’re able to be more fully present with all of it — the pain and the joy, yours and others.

Sometimes, you need to stop taking your medicine to let your body heal itself.

Sometimes, you need to pause so you can move forward.

Sometimes, you need to turn away from something so you can see why you fell in love in the first place.

 

 

related posts
Desire Map Online Video Course

Let’s hold hands — all the way to your Core Desired Feelings. The Desire Map ONLINE VIDEO COURSE is finally real

I got together with Cody App to produce this and it’s beautifully and logically laid out. Every module is accompanied by printable worksheets. You can go through the course on your own, or with a group of friends. You can do it in a weekend, or you can meander with it over a few weeks. Your call.

Meditation Space Danielle LaPorte

My commit-phobia + Meditation. Relate? (and last call…meditation class starts Nov 15.)

With a full I heart, I invite you to join me for THE CREATION SPACE Meditation. 5 call-in sessions for some connection and devotion. I’ll guide you through a different visualization, meditation, mantra, or prayer each morning (and for one evening), in a live phone class.

Creation Space Meditation

Spiritual mutts and quilts of devotion. Can you relate?

Calling all spiritual mutts…registration for my CREATION SPACE Meditation Class is open right now and closes very soon!

Pleasure-is-power

Your pleasure is your power…here’s how to get there, a few hours at a time.

When you’re in your pleasure you think more clearly, you’re more efficient, you’re most certainly more creative, and you’re more loving. Your pleasure states are good for your immune system.

Creation Space Meditation

Call me. Let’s meditate. For the seasoned, the newbies, the devoted, and the meditation-curious.

The Creation Meditation. Here’s the vibe: Emerald green flowing nutrients. Lavish healing. Gracefully forming and effortlessly growing. Luminous.

CONSCIOUS gratitude

CONSCIOUS gratitude (as in SMART gratitude. Rather than the spiritual bypassing kind of gratitude that can actually screw you up).

Gratitude changes your brain chemistry. Proven. Happy brain chemicals mean that you’ve got more clarity and courage. Proven. There are zero downsides to making gratitude part of your wellness practice.

Recommitting to sisterly love@2x 456x456

Recommitting to sisterly love. (Because women wounding other women won’t get us where we need to go.)

Good things come to those who… hold out. Holding out requires a sacred, almost superhuman degree of focus—mystical muther freaking prowess.

Danielle-LaPorte-Stop-Doing-Free-and-clear

Stop Doing. (AKA Detangling, Liberating, and Facing Some Gnarly Terror.) Your next FREE & CLEAR exercise is here.

Enter: THE STOP DOING LIST. Prepare for massive relief. I tend to stay away from big self-help claims, but this is potentially life changing. Or at least sanity-saving. I’m excited for you.

Danielle-LaPorte-Want-To-Change-Free and clear

What needs to change? (And how to look at what sucks in your life without criticizing yourself.)

There’s a layer of psychological refinement that we’re adding to this. You’re going to look at what needs to change WITHOUT laying a guilt or judgement trip on yourself (or anyone else).

Danielle-LaPorte-Free-and-Clear-Letting-Go

Examining our expectations and what it means to deeply let go.

Whether you need to perform major surgery on your commitments, or you need to just blow some shit up and walk away, healthy letting go requires mindfulness. So let’s really feel and think this through to get you free and clear.

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This